Thank goodness it's over! Seems like no matter how many years go by, Christmas is the hardest.
Day after you get to see all your friends (and pseudo-friends') posts on how wonderful their holiday was.

Mine was fun, at the last minute I emailed my kids and told them I was coming. 250 miles, gas is cheap, weather good, I'm there.  We had fun. 2 of my 3 were there, ordered Chinese and had some great conversation. Not your traditional holiday, but fun. I've learned you have to change your mindset from the traditional Norman Rockwell image to what is real and right now. If you can do that you can enjoy it for all the fun, crazy, loving moment it truly is. It was fun. I enjoyed hearing the traffic outside and on Christmas morning, walked across the street to McDonalds and brought home Christmas breakfast. Like I said, you have to be flexible and embrace the "new normal". Egg McMuffins never tasted so good.

I'm going back for a New Years Eve party in a few days and will see my 3rd son. I hope the weather cooperates. We had our first winter storm today. Right now it's blowing like crazy. I've heard a few things hitting the house, hope it's not anything bad. Will check it out in the morning. Hat a harrowing one hour drive home today. Usually only need about a half hour to get home, but snow was blowing bad. Couldn't see the road. A few times had to stop till the wind blew the snow enough to see the center lines. Very, very, very scary! Immediately cracked open a bottle of wine to ease the nerves.
Note: Always keep your liquor cabinet stocked for emergency

New Years will be spent with friends (all couples) so when the clock strikes midnight and everyone is kissing happy new year, I will be standing there accepting a few token hugs and kisses but, sadly, reminded that by society's standards, alone.  I'm okay with it, but it stings a little just the same.

Snow storm blowing like crazy outside. It would be nice to have someone near by reassuring me. Must be the holiday that is making me so sad. A few more weeks it will be Valentine's Day.  AAAUUUGGRH!!! Even Worse!. Can't wait for March. 

I feel that I have taken a few (actually, a lot) of steps back in my post divorce journey.  I drove back to Chicago and spent a fun Thanksgiving Day with my boys. It was fun, but maybe it's me, but I feel a wall between us.  Oh, we laughed, cooked and had fun, but I felt a cloud of sadness in the room. Now my boys are all grown and in their 30's, but there is still a real sadness in their hearts on the lack of closeness they have with their father.  As a mother, I would cut off my right arm to change that.

Thanksgiving is only Part One in the Holiday Trifecta. Next is Christmas and then the ever hated and dreaded New Years Eve.  My Christmas choices are to drive in for Christmas Eve with my boys, drive to my family (nieces, nephews, etc) or just stay home and watch Hallmark Movies on the tube and probably become suicidal (joke)

I guess I sometimes feel like they want to be with me out of obligation.  I hope not, but have I turned into the parent that is the lonely loser that you invite to holidays out of obligation and guilt? Would they rather go on a trip or go with their girlfriends to their families but don't want to leave me alone?

Maybe it's from today's binge watching of the Hallmark Channel Christmas movies, but I am feeling very lost and lonely.  For God's sakes!! I have been divorced 6 years! Why is that asshole on my mind almost every minute lately?  How do so many of my divorced friends separate themselves from the past so easily? Do I miss the old life because it was so easy? I always knew where and with whom I would be with on any given holiday. Now it's de ja vu back to the days after my parents died and I was always wondering who would call and invite me to Christmas. I always felt like the obligation guest back then and thought those days were over.

It does feel good to write it all down and get it off my chest, but I suppose it's all part of the journey. I just hope I reach a rewarding destination before I get too old to enjoy it.  But, like I said at the start of this post, maybe it's just the season.  Soon all will be back to normal (my normal). At least it's warm here and no ice and snow to deal with.

Oh, the holidays are coming. Always a bad time. The dating sights, however, are starting to burn up with lonely souls looking to not be alone on Christmas day.

A brief note to men over 60 on dating sights: Please look at your pictures after you posted them and ask yourself "Would I go out with me?"  Really, guys......I've seen pictures of guys in all stages of dress and undress.  One guy (no lie) had on a hospital bracelet! Look around the room you're in, make sure there's a little bit of furnishing (and not a dead deer or a fish mounted on the wall or a portrait of your wedding day, for God's sake); don't put in a group picture of you and your golf buddies (especially with the ones that are better looking than you) and then not identify which one is you because I'll be disappointed when you're the short bald one in the middle and not  the good looking one on the left.  I think it's sweet you play Santa Claus for your grand kids or the local YMCA, but it really doesn't turn me on seeing you in full Santa garb. Especially when that's the only picture of you.
And lastly, when taking a selfie, hold the camera up high enough so the picture isn't a shot of looking up your nose. 

I know I'm 67 and not the hottie I once was, but please guys.. . . .

When I was a kid, we all had assigned seats at the dinner table. It was never announced or really official, but we all always sat at the same seats. Mom and dad at the ends (mom closer to the kitchen) and my sister and I on either side, but always the SAME side. When I was married we relaxed it somewhat, but usually we all sat at the same seats, and the boys would squabble if one of their brothers sat in their chair.  Funny how that works.

Same holds true, usually, in the bedroom.  I was always on the right side. During the course of my 32 year marriage we changed bedrooms often. Not sure why, but I was always rearranging things, trying to get the right setup. (Boy, that should have been a red flag, huh?)  Anyway, no matter which room we settled in, I was always on the right and he was on the left.

After our divorce, I still slept on the right side, leaving the left side of my huge king size bed empty. It felt wrong to be on the other side and it also constantly reminded me that yes, I was alone.

My awakening came from watching the movie "Somethings Got To Give"  with Jack Nicholson  and Diane Keaton. Diane is a divorced mom and in one scene  she is sleeping in the middle of her beg bed. Jack is trying to join her but she stays in the middle and explains that after she was divorced, she would feel so lonely sleeping in the bed alone with her husbands side empty. She decided to sleep in the middle, so there was no empty side and she could sleep much better after that. GREAT IDEA! We do get inspiration from strange places. It definitely works.  It reduces the "poor me, all alone in this big bed" feeling.

This week I went one better.  My new little country house has a teeny little bedroom. My king size bed almost filled it up and for the last 4 years I've been unable to make the bed nice because I couldn't walk all the way around it because it almost totally filled the room. I was complaining to a co-worker about this and she indicated that she had a double bed in her guest room that was way to small for her son and his wife and various dogs. She suggested, "lets switch beds". So this weekend she loaded up her double bed and took away my king size. Wow! I gained room on all sides, and now when I sleep in the middle, it's way comfy. Plus my ex-husbands mo-jo is gone from the room. Before the light on the side table was too far away to read so I had to start in my old spot. Now it's just perfect, and the old ghosts are gone. I have room to move around and can lay in the middle. . . .queen of my bed.  I also had the added treat of going to Target to buy new sheets. If I ever have an overnight "guest" we will just have to snuggle a little more.

One more problem solved!

First I would like to send out my love and encouragement to all you who have sent me such lovely, heartfelt emails. I appreciate it and wish you the best. Please feel free to write any time.

Seems like every time I take a few steps forward whether it be financially or romantically, I end up getting kicked and I'm back (or further back than) where I started.

Just when I feel I see a light at the end of the tunnel with finances, my car is acting up. It's a 2005 and over 150,000 miles.  Needs brakes and some assorted bearings and belts. All adding up to a huge expense.

Romantically, aauurgh! Date from Hell #1: His picture looked nice, he said he was a chef. I drove 50 miles to meet him for coffee. Walked in

Last night was the beautiful blood moon lunar eclipse. My neighbors all walked down to the beach and sat in the moonlight, drinking wine enjoying the beauty of the eclipse. I noticed all (but me) were couples. Don't get me wrong, I had a good time, but I was the only single there. When we parted ways, as they all walked home I could hear all the couples laughing, talking about the evening. My walk was in silence. These are the parts of my new life I never can get used to. No mater how much fun I have when I go out, the drive or walk home is lonely and quiet. The quiet can be deafening.  Coming home from a play or movie...no one to talk to about the evening.  Not horrible, just new (if you call 5 years new).

A friend mentioned to me that she found out a guy I met earlier in the summer was indeed single. I felt like I had practically thrown myself at him, but no response.  I did a little "cyber snooping" and discovered where he lives. Now what?  Drive by his house like I did when I was 16?  My luck if I did that he'd call the cops.  My next post might be looking for donations for bail money.  (haha)

September, 2015

My 67th birthday was a few weeks ago and my horoscope said I will find love and "financial reward" soon.  An old surfboard that I paid $20 for 10 years ago brought in a sweet $180 at a local consignment shop so I got a nice $90 for it. I hope that wasn't the "financial reward" they were talking about. So far I still haven't been able to catch a break in that category at all.

So far this year I've had huge bills for dental work; an increase in home owner insurance, real estate taxes, my 2005 Ford with 168,000 miles is in need of a lot of repairing as well as my 10 year old dog who is needing more and more vet care.

Last year I thought I could start selling real estate up here (like I did for 15 years in Illinois) but it's proved extremely difficult. This is a county with folks who not only have been here since grammar school and they all know each other or are related, but the diversity of real estate has proved trying to say the least. In past I never needed to know all the different types and sizes of wells, septic fields and perk tests. You have beachfront, water view, inland, agricultural, commercial, mobile homes, manufactured homes and boat slips to list and sell, not to mention condos and hotel condos. Who knew? 

Reason I'm mentioning this is it's been an up hill battle and I gave it a year. Well, a year is coming to an end and I must stop the financial bleeding. Real Estate licenses cost quite a bit to get and maintain ....just can't do it any more. So, what, I need to figure out do I do now? I had hoped to be able to quite my retail job but that won't be happening.  So now I guess I should call this blog "Starting Over Again and Again and, who knows, maybe even Again"

Dating has been interesting (as ever).  I met a guy thought was my perfect guy. Didn't lie about his height, pony tail (always have been a sucker for that look), an art teacher, musician, handsome, we had a great time.  He lives, however, 120 miles away, so it didn't last. Damn! He was (and is) perfect. However, I also met a very, nice man who may turn out to be something other than friend. Just have to get "Mr.Perfect" out of my mind.

Just saw "Walk in the Woods". It's a movie with Robert Redford and Nick Nolte. It's quite funny about 2 old guys in their 60's who think they can walk the 2,000 miles of the Appalachian Trail. Maybe I should attempt some great (at least to me) feat like that. I've already run marathons, raced motorcycles, been in a movie, even did some modeling; what is left? Nothing that involves heights or situations where the end result may result in death. Only places I really want to go are Norway, Sweden, or Iceland. Hmmm.....time to really take a look at things.

Really thought my life direction decisions were behind me and I was just going to sail along in a steady upward direction.  Again I ask, when is my ship and/or prince coming in? haha.

The "new me" likes to look on the bright side every time the world sends me shit. When I got divorced, the rug was pulled out from under me and my life was turned upside down. 5 years have gone by and I thought I was finally at the light at the end of the tunnel and now......whiisshh!!! there it goes again. Life is not stagnant or predictable. Just like when I was in my teens and twenty's, it's always a changing world. I really think this will have a positive effect on me....keep me young and sharp. (There has to be a bright side, right?)

I need to go check my lottery numbers now.

First I want to thank all of you who have written me emails, or commented on my posts. I'm sending you my love and encouragement in your life changing process. Please feel free to email me any time.

Dating update:  So the guy with the boat.....Where do I begin.  First, it wasn't his boat, it belongs to his friend. He also lied about his height and body type.  I don't mind a few extra pounds, but please don't advertise yourself as super fit and toned if your not. What's the point?  I'm 5'10"  and can tell if you lie about your height. Most men do lie a little about this, so I can forgive that one.  During our meeting he talked about his son a lot, turns out his son is 52.  Wait a minute....he said he was 67. Huh?  Turns out hes 72. His excuse is that women don't respond to his emails if he tells them he's over 70.  What do these guys think, that we're so dumb we can't do simple math? He also lit up a cigar in the car. Claims that they don't count and he wasn't lying when he said he didn't smoke. My sister  was visiting me at the time so I used her as an excuse to exit early.

Back to the drawing board....or in this case, the dating sights.

Dating tip.  You can't get upset with these loser dates. It's no reflection on  you. Don't take it personally. View it as a game. Win some lose some.  I to a motivational speaker once who talked about the power of "NO".  The gist is not to feel defeated by a "NO".  Every NO is one step closer to a YES.  It's all in the numbers.  After so many NO's a YES has to happen eventually, so just think you're getting closer to that YES.  I should be getting pretty close, by now. (haha)

Days are getting shorter. Where I live there are no street lights and it's pitch black at night. I'm thinking of moving. As beautiful as this area is, I don't think I can take another winter with the loneliness and darkness.  I also fear falling on the ice or some other accident with no one around. I have neighbors, but they are a way away.  My three sons are coming to visit over Labor Day. I'm so excited, but OMG 3 grown young men and me and 3 animals in my little 2 bedroom house. It will be tons of fun. As long as they don't fight. Sometimes when they're together they revert back to 12 year olds. As I've mentioned before, this place I live was originally built to be our summer house. In the woods by the lake, but I don't think I can live here full time any more. I'll need to have a heart to heart with the boys to try to figure out my plan.

More later.

Happy 4th of July!

Alone on the 4th. Lonely.  I spent the weekend getting the house ready for my guests this weekend. I could hear all the neighbors down at the beach with their families and smell the grills. At night there was fireworks down at the beach but I stayed in. I've lived here for 5 years. I love the beach and the beauty up here, but the last 2 years have seen Lake Michigan at it's highest in years so bye bye beach which is a total bummer for me since to me, that was a huge part of my decision to move up here.
What if I moved back? Would it be the same? I have friends there, but who knows if they're not going to move away and then what? My kids are there, but same thing, who knows if they are staying in Chicago for a long time?  They say you can never go home again.....hmmmm. I certainly don't want to move to a new place and start this whole thing over again. It's here or there.

The dating sights are pretty active lately.  I was contacted by a guy who looks like potential. I even sent him my phone number. Never did that before. Just had a feeling.There's another guy I'm meeting up with in 2 weeks (has a boat!) We'll see.  The woman who owns the store at which I work says you can forecast the crowds by the fishing reports. I've paid attention and the dating sights get active along with the fishing reports. When the fish get active, the guys do to I guess. Pretty funny. I'll report how it works out.

July 1, 2015
I haven't written in a long time. Still trying to get my real estate business off the ground. Selling here is so different.  It's part agricultural, part small town and part retirement community. Very different from selling in the city of Chicago. Everybody knows everyone, or they went to school, worked with or slept with everyone else.  I don't have any history with these folks so it's an uphill climb to get anywhere in this business. I like I'm trying to go up and down escalator. I'm giving it till spring and then I'm going to seriously think about moving back to Illinois or at least find a little place in town so I have a few more neighbors and don't have to drive 15 miles to buy groceries.

Been on a few dates. ALL LOSERS! Have only met frogs, still looking for that prince.(old prince haha) Met one guy for coffee the other day. 2 hours of listening to him talk about himself, his kids and grand kids, not one thing about me. Every time I tried to talk he changed the conversation back to himself.  I even had to pay for my own coffee!  When I got home I emailed him that I didn't want to see him ever again  He emailed me back "So sorry to hear that, I was looking forward to seeing you again"  WHAT!!!!???

This is a short post as I have to get up for a root canal tomorrow morning at 8am. My fun life, huh?

Somehow the last few posts have got out of order. So if the continuity is a little cra-cra, that's why.
It makes sense, just a little wonky.

Sorry, I don't know how to rearrange them.

First post in my new "no more whining" position on life.  I had a major, MAJOR setback the other week but I won't go into it as it doesn't conform to my new outlook on life and I just don't want to share.

Weather is getting cold and blustery.  Leaves off the trees and winter on the way. I am dreading the winter. Hear mixed reports of what's to come. Some say it's going to be milder than last winter (which won't be hard to do) and some say it will be worse. Now how much worse can it be after almost 50 days in a row below -10degrees!! 

My "left at 2am without a reason" guy show up again.  He's turning into a very good friend and I'm glad I gave him a second chance.  Really came through for me in a pinch. So lesson learned: don't be so quick to judge and ALWAYS give people a second chance and we all fuck up on occasion so just lighten up!

It's rutting season for the deer up here and I have found that this is kinda a universal season among all males of all species.  The dating sights are lighting up like crazy and guys are all calling wanting to do chores around my house.  I've noticed over the past few years that this all coincides with nature.  Those poor bucks don't have to do chores to get the doe's attention (just risk getting shot at).  But I love the extra help so no complaints.

It's very hard to maintain a house by yourself.  Even if you have a spouse or roommate with no handyman skills, it's nice to have another person to help walk the dog on rainy nights, scrape windshields, do simple household stuff, paint, run errands, etc. Not to mention just holding your hand when it's storming like hell outside.

I've given moving a great deal of thought lately.  I love it here, but my neighbors, though very nice, are all retired and pretty set in their retired ways.  If I go anywhere I need either a date, or drive 10-20 miles to my friends up here, which means driving back late at night alone. (not fun) The beach is fantastic, but unless I have company, I rarely go walking on it.

Sex.... At 66? Are you  kidding me????  I think that is the worst thing about dating again. You go out with a nice guy once and you're back in high school. "Do I kiss him?" If I go too far will he think I'm cheap?  I've decided that there are none of those stupid rules for me anymore.  First of all the only reason we were afraid to have sex at teenagers was the fear of pregnancy. That isn't happening , so what's the hold up.=? Afraid he'll think you're a slut?  HA! that train has left the station. By this age we've all had sex and probably a lot of it. There's no pretending we're virgins or have some stellar reputation to uphold. I like sex. Didn't so much with my ex but have found out that now I am much more relaxed (a little help from the Energizer Bunny if you get my drift). has taught me I can have an orgasm and not be embarrassed.

I read a funny article once that said as part of your final arrangements you should designate some friend that as soon as you die, she will run to your house and clear your hard drive and rid your night stand of all the sex toys before your kids get there to pack up your stuff.

I do have this nagging little fear that I'll have a heart attack in bed and they'll find me with a vibrator in my vagina.  AAUURRGH!  Could there be anything worse?  Hope I'll have enough time to yank it out if that happens.  I know, you're thinking this is really stupid, but when you live alone, these things rattle around in your head. It's also another good reason to wear full make up all the time. (crazy?? )

I am amazed at the, how shall I say it, diminutive size that most men in their late 50's and 60's are.
Maybe I'm spoiled my ex was an asshole but he was hung like a horse. Men I meet now are teeny weeny in comparison.  If they manage an erection, I can't even feel him in there. Having birthed 3 kids. I'm not as tight as I once was.  They still manage to make comments about that so as to blame me for the failure in bed. Have yet to have a really successful night. All that in mind, I'm doing just find on my own. 

 And please if any men are reading this. Ditch the tighty whiteys.  I haven't seen them since my kids were 7. A grown man should wear grown men under ware. Those TW's are a total turn off. Plus they've probably had them for years and they are always dingy and saggy.  Do they even sell then any more? Probably bought by there ex-wives 35 years ago.

When I was first divorced, I was trying very hard to feel young and beautiful. Got some passes from younger (40's) men and went out with some. Got that out of my system. I wanted to see what the attraction was since my husband decided he wanted someone that age. That didn't last long. If I had got divorced 15 years ago things would be very different. My husband claimed that the marriage was over 15 years before. If that was true, I wish he had divorced me then I would be 50 now. Young enough to easily start over in my love life and career. Not so much now.

There is a new TV show on Bravo TV called "A Girlfriends Guid to Divorce" Very funny. If you haven't seen it, check it out. Some of the lines are identical to lines I've written in this blog. I assume they aren't reading this, so it's probably just a universal thing.  If they are getting ideas from this, I want my check!  I see myself somehow in every show. The star also has 3 friends who could be any of our friends. Great show. Will give you a  laugh.

Bath 101

So, it's been probably 25 or 30 years since I took a bath.  When my ex and I were first married we lived in a little home in dire need of rehabbing.  It had one bathroom off the kitchen with no shower and only a sink, toilet and claw foot tub. Barely had room for shelving for extra towels. Baths were an every day feature. In face we would boil a pot of water on the stove and pour it into the tub to try to heat up that old cast iron tub before we filled it.

All our work rehabbing the house, the bathroom always got pushed to the bottom of the list, so we ended up living with that little bathroom until we (and our 3 young sons) moved to another home with A SHOWER!!

Part of my 2015 resolutions is to try new things. This counts. So it's 11pm Saturday nite and I decide I need a bath. . I've been going through some pretty nasty legal issues lately and just needed to Zen out some.

First I turned on the portable heater in the bathroom and shut the door for about 1/2 hour to heat up the room (and tub) nicely. But, what if I got in and then couldn't get out? This once limber body doesn't move like it used to. Would they find my body weeks later all shriveled up in the tub or would I have the nerve to actually call someone to pull me out? So first I laid my bathrobe across the toilet so if I did have to call the paramedics to get me out of the tub I could cover myself.  Next I put my wine, and the bottle, next to the tub so I could drink while I waited, and lastly my phone was in reachable range.  A couple candles, turned off the lights and the mood was set.

A hot tub, 3 drops of Aargon oil to soften the water and very slowly lowered myself in. Not so graceful the last 5 inches which caused my worry mode to set in as to whether or not I could actually get myself out.

Baths are supposed to be so relaxing.  Relax I did with the exception of that little voice in my head saying "Great, enjoy, now how the hell do we get out of this thing?"

The 3 drops of Argon oil did indeed soften the water but it also made the tub very, very slippery (a big rookie mistake?)

20 minutes and a few glasses of wine later, it was time to test my upper body strength.  Can't scootch up, no room;can't turn around and get up that way, no room; arthritic knees prohibit my pulling my feet under me.  FUCK! my worst nightmare is coming true!!

Calm down Linda.  Okay pushed to the back of the tub, pushed my self to the side of the tub hard enough to slide up and actually rest my butt on the edge of the tub. YAHOO! Stood up and stepped out very, very, very carefully as the tub was totally slippery due to that damn Aargon oil.  So I made it, Any stress released was immediately back in my body with my worrisome and difficult exit. Then I had to clean the oily dirty ring out of the tub and take a shower anyway to get all the bath water off me. So what, I ask all you bath takers, is the big deal of baths? It's just not worth risking my life and a lifetime of embarrassment ever again.  Showers forever.

See? Another annoying down side to being old and living alone.  There is always that little voice in my head worrying about accidents with no one to help. Husbands are good for that. Walk in the woods and get hit on the head by a falling branch? Slip on the ice? Fall during a late nite dog walk? or even stuck in the tub? No one there. Kinda sucks.

"I don't know whether I mourn for the man or for the woman I was when I was with him"
Lady Mary, Downton Abby