I feel that I have taken a few (actually, a lot) of steps back in my post divorce journey. I drove back to Chicago and spent a fun Thanksgiving Day with my boys. It was fun, but maybe it's me, but I feel a wall between us. Oh, we laughed, cooked and had fun, but I felt a cloud of sadness in the room. Now my boys are all grown and in their 30's, but there is still a real sadness in their hearts on the lack of closeness they have with their father. As a mother, I would cut off my right arm to change that.
Thanksgiving is only Part One in the Holiday Trifecta. Next is Christmas and then the ever hated and dreaded New Years Eve. My Christmas choices are to drive in for Christmas Eve with my boys, drive to my family (nieces, nephews, etc) or just stay home and watch Hallmark Movies on the tube and probably become suicidal (joke)
I guess I sometimes feel like they want to be with me out of obligation. I hope not, but have I turned into the parent that is the lonely loser that you invite to holidays out of obligation and guilt? Would they rather go on a trip or go with their girlfriends to their families but don't want to leave me alone?
Maybe it's from today's binge watching of the Hallmark Channel Christmas movies, but I am feeling very lost and lonely. For God's sakes!! I have been divorced 6 years! Why is that asshole on my mind almost every minute lately? How do so many of my divorced friends separate themselves from the past so easily? Do I miss the old life because it was so easy? I always knew where and with whom I would be with on any given holiday. Now it's de ja vu back to the days after my parents died and I was always wondering who would call and invite me to Christmas. I always felt like the obligation guest back then and thought those days were over.
It does feel good to write it all down and get it off my chest, but I suppose it's all part of the journey. I just hope I reach a rewarding destination before I get too old to enjoy it. But, like I said at the start of this post, maybe it's just the season. Soon all will be back to normal (my normal). At least it's warm here and no ice and snow to deal with.
Hi Linda:
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you are not the obligatory invite. My children don't invite me either (especially my son), however, I reach out to my now daughter-in-law and make sure she knows how much I enjoy spending time with her and my son. I also bring gifts and food (usually a traditional dish that everyone looks forward to). They appear to be happy to see me and that's enough for me. Sometimes I find that I am as eager to get home as they are to have me leave. I never personalize it because that it not good for anyone (nothing like a mopey guest for sad memories).
Get that chin up and bake some of the boys' favorite cookies. You are a strong and independent woman make sure others know it. Those attributes are not only healthy but also attractive.
Sending you best wishes and warm thoughts this holiday season.
Your friend in California,
Cyndy
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