Two Years

Well, my 2-year anniversary of living alone up in Wisconsin is almost here.  I originally gave myself 2 years.  So what have I learned?  First and foremost I am very capable and much more handy around the house than I thought.  Second, I truly miss the city.  I live in paradise but am strangely bored by it at times.  In the city I used to love walking my dog.  I loved late night walks and watching the people, the lighted homes and general hustle and bustle.  Out here after sunset (which is 4pm in the winter) it's too cold and too dark to walk the dog. An occasional owl interrupts the stillness, but I used to love opening the window in the summer and listen to the train, motorcycles in the distance, the sound of voices.  I love the sound of owls, woodpeckers and deer (yes, deer make noise) but all the time?  There are no street lights so it's so dark I need a lantern to light my way.  I've made some wonderful friends up here but it's 15 to 20 miles to visit them.  Stop by the bar for a cocktail after work with friends? must be careful with the long drive home. The ones who live close, seem to retire before 9pm on weekends. I've realized to survive up here I must make an effort to return to Chicago at least once a month for my sanity or sell and move out all together (which I really don't want to do)  I remember talking with several women my age who have retired up here and them telling me that they moved up here to retire but gave their husbands  one condition, that they be able to go back to the city to grocery shop once a month.  I used to think that was really silly ....now, not so.

So when will my life start to get easier?  When will decisions get simpler?  I miss having another person to bounce ideas off of. Someone with as much invested in the outcome as me.

Learned my ex has got married.  Evidently over a year ago and never bothered to tell his three grown sons about it.  I am so sorry this has hurt them, but maybe now they will realize he didn't just walk out on me, he left the family ...all of us.

But the really big question is when (it's been three years) will I finally let it rest and not mention him again.  

2 Years!

Had an epiphany the other day.  Probably obvious to all my friends, but I didn't see it.  I realized that even after 2 years of being divorced, all the crap he put me through and all the shit he spewed about me, I am still in love with that mother fucker.  Why did this happen?  I realize I've been trying so hard to get him out of my mind, I have been unable to move forward.  I can't ignore him or pretend that he never happened.  He is a part of me and my life; his DNA is my sons' DNA.  Until I acknowledge and embrace that fact, I will never be able to move on. If life is a river, I've been trying to redirect the river rather than just redirect me.

A better analogy is, back to the river theme, if life is indeed a river and I was in a boat traveling down it toward my future and suddenly Bob decided to jump off and change boats I shouldn't stop and pull over to the side, or try to go back, or fall in myself.  I should just keep on going as planned.  The only difference would be the companion.  Why should my life take a different turn just because the boat mate has left for changed?  As simple as this little thought seems, it has made a profound change on my outlook on life and my future.  I am just going to keep on going as planned.

Whether he likes it or not, he is part of my past as I am his.  I like myself now and had the past years not happened, I wouldn't be that person today.  So, I say to you, thank you for being in my life and thank you for helping me become the person I am.  Thank you for 3 incredible sons (even if you think otherwise). 

One of my New Year's resolutions was to open contact with my ex so we can at least be civil.  This revelation has helped make that a possibility.  I forgive you Bob for all shit you put me through, for the asshole you have become.  We had a good run, but it's over.  your new partner has to deal with you now and your forgetfulness, bigotry, violent outbursts.  I had you when you were nice, thoughtful and kind.  She has you now.  (What do they say about the last laugh?) 

Why do I have such a hard time making decisions?  This has been an ongoing problem for me since the big "D".  I had to switch utility companies and I absolutely froze with fear of making the wrong decision.  I feel I obviously made a lot of poor choices over the marriage thinking they were the right ones and now I feel so damn hesitant to made another one no matter how trivial.

Been corresponding thru email with a very sweet guy for about 5 months. We went out (or rather he came over to my house and did some projects). Built stuff, fixed stuff, etc.  I fell totally head over heels for him.  He's a quirky guy, a real loner, smart, funny . . .did I say loner?  He never leaves the  house!  emails me every day but never wants to come over again.  So what if he's 2 hours away.  He drives more than that to go deer hunting.  I  feel a mix of emotions with this fellow, think he's going into that ever expanding "friend" file. That's the third guy who stopped wanting to see me after I made dinner and let him spend the night.  Do the rules of dating back when we were 16 still hold? Don't sleep with them on the first or second date?  That's not good. At this age I can't really wait and extended amount of time before "testing him out". Nor do I want to.  I haven't had sex in a long time and am horny as hell, so screw all the little high school boy thinking.  At 64 I'm on a short deadline nowadays.

Valentines Day is 2 days away.  Alone again.   Maybe I'll take my vibrator out for a romantic dinner.

Finalizing my Etsy Store.  Got some new designs completed and now just need to market it and the worst thing......NAME IT!  There is that nasty "decision" word again.

Should be taking down Xmas decorations.  But feeling a little under the weather and since flu season is starting and I'm sans insurance decided to spend the day just lolling around watching tv, eating and knitting. Haven't done that in ages!   Not a bad way to spend a cold winter day.

So yesterday at work a really cute guy came in and  I felt a little chemistry going on there.  I looked down at his wedding ring and then up at his face and he had seen me look at his ring and he immediately put his hand in his pocket.  What do you suppose that means?   hmmmmm.   I'd never go out with a married man after what I went through, but very interesting behavior don't you think?

Today my 2013 horoscope says that I'll find a great love in the new year.  It also says to release those who are not available emotionally.  That will be easy. The losers I'm finding on line are quite easy to "release"  Prior to seeing the horoscope, my new years resolution was to do just that and start with a clean slate.  With the exception of just one who I really like though I know he and I will never be anything more than wonderful friends, I really do cherish his and my friendship (hopefully with a few benefits thrown in)

One problem with living in this lovely area populated primarily with tourists and retirees, is that the dating pool is more of a small puddle. I'm always up for a party and find it fun to drive the 4 hours to the Chicago area whenever someone has a party  invitation.

I've developed a nice group of women friends up here so that is a positive thing.  Also, another resolution is to feel more at ease going to plays, bars, restaurants, etc. alone.  Rather than miss some fun event or interesting talent, I need to feel at ease going alone.  It usually feels like everyone in a bar is looking at me when I walk in.  I know they're not but it's difficult just the same.  Maybe growing up in the 60's is part of the problem.  Back then "ladies" didn't do such a thing.  I know girls my son's ages have no problem going anywhere alone.