Had an epiphany the other day.  Probably obvious to all my friends, but I didn't see it.  I realized that even after 2 years of being divorced, all the crap he put me through and all the shit he spewed about me, I am still in love with that mother fucker.  Why did this happen?  I realize I've been trying so hard to get him out of my mind, I have been unable to move forward.  I can't ignore him or pretend that he never happened.  He is a part of me and my life; his DNA is my sons' DNA.  Until I acknowledge and embrace that fact, I will never be able to move on. If life is a river, I've been trying to redirect the river rather than just redirect me.

A better analogy is, back to the river theme, if life is indeed a river and I was in a boat traveling down it toward my future and suddenly Bob decided to jump off and change boats I shouldn't stop and pull over to the side, or try to go back, or fall in myself.  I should just keep on going as planned.  The only difference would be the companion.  Why should my life take a different turn just because the boat mate has left for changed?  As simple as this little thought seems, it has made a profound change on my outlook on life and my future.  I am just going to keep on going as planned.

Whether he likes it or not, he is part of my past as I am his.  I like myself now and had the past years not happened, I wouldn't be that person today.  So, I say to you, thank you for being in my life and thank you for helping me become the person I am.  Thank you for 3 incredible sons (even if you think otherwise). 

One of my New Year's resolutions was to open contact with my ex so we can at least be civil.  This revelation has helped make that a possibility.  I forgive you Bob for all shit you put me through, for the asshole you have become.  We had a good run, but it's over.  your new partner has to deal with you now and your forgetfulness, bigotry, violent outbursts.  I had you when you were nice, thoughtful and kind.  She has you now.  (What do they say about the last laugh?) 

Why do I have such a hard time making decisions?  This has been an ongoing problem for me since the big "D".  I had to switch utility companies and I absolutely froze with fear of making the wrong decision.  I feel I obviously made a lot of poor choices over the marriage thinking they were the right ones and now I feel so damn hesitant to made another one no matter how trivial.

Been corresponding thru email with a very sweet guy for about 5 months. We went out (or rather he came over to my house and did some projects). Built stuff, fixed stuff, etc.  I fell totally head over heels for him.  He's a quirky guy, a real loner, smart, funny . . .did I say loner?  He never leaves the  house!  emails me every day but never wants to come over again.  So what if he's 2 hours away.  He drives more than that to go deer hunting.  I  feel a mix of emotions with this fellow, think he's going into that ever expanding "friend" file. That's the third guy who stopped wanting to see me after I made dinner and let him spend the night.  Do the rules of dating back when we were 16 still hold? Don't sleep with them on the first or second date?  That's not good. At this age I can't really wait and extended amount of time before "testing him out". Nor do I want to.  I haven't had sex in a long time and am horny as hell, so screw all the little high school boy thinking.  At 64 I'm on a short deadline nowadays.

Valentines Day is 2 days away.  Alone again.   Maybe I'll take my vibrator out for a romantic dinner.

Finalizing my Etsy Store.  Got some new designs completed and now just need to market it and the worst thing......NAME IT!  There is that nasty "decision" word again.