So, I'm now up in Wisconsin at my lake house. My two older boys moved me in last week. Had to downsize so much. In the past 3 years I've gone from a 4bedroom 3-story house to a 3 bedroom apartment and then to a 1 bedroom apartment and now to my lake house that was already furnished. I've had to sell almost all my furniture, have gone from 3 closets of clothes to one, and have got rid of almost all my dishes. I must admit it feels good to be rid of all that baggage. I used to wonder how on earth my ex husband could walk out with just his toothbrush and start a new life, but I kind of understand it now. However, he also walked out without any pictures or memories of his kids. I put together a box of pictures for him just because I couldn't understand how on earth he could do that. I've downsized my pictures, etc. and my Christmas decorations. I had 8 boxes, and now I have 6. Have to downsize more. It's very very hard and painful. All the pictures and cute things my kids made all those years. How does one get rid of that?
Speaking of children, I am in such pain because my youngest (age 24) has not called me since I've been here. He's very low tech, no computer, never uses his cell phone. He's been working on an organic farm for the summer and has been totally incommunicado. I really wish he would call. My imagination is going wild. Are they a cult? Are they holding him and not allowing him to call? Has he been hurt in a farm accident? I'm not used to not hearing from my kids for such a long time. I wish my boys would call me more. My friends who are mothers of girls all talk about how they talk every day, my friends with boys all suffer the same non-calling. If I had a stroke or heart attack here, no one would find me for a long time.
It is beautiful here. Have been here a week. My boys were here for 2 days, 2 girlfriends from home came up and spend 2 days already and my ex's sister and her family were renting a cottage down the beach earlier this week and I visited with them for a while. My neighbors are great, but it's still lonely. Thank goodness for Internet, cellphones and cable. I feel connected.
I've had a lot of time to think about the last few years and there were so many red flags that I just either didn't see or chose to ignore. But that is one of the reasons I'm up here, to figure it all out. I remember my ex telling me that the only reason I didn't want a divorce was because I was scared of being alone and not having the security of his paycheck. I denied of course, but looking back I think he was definitely right. This is all very scary. When I'm really thinking about my future it terrifies me.
Well this is supposed to be an adventure of self discovery, and that is definitely what it is. Haven't we all at one point thought of just getting away from it all and moving to a cottage in the woods by the sea? This is my adventure and I'll report each day as it unfolds.
For now, this day is done.
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