I've been here at the beach for one week. Trying to keep busy unpacking but there is still a lot of down time for self examination. My new neighbors have invited me to a "welcome to the neighborhood" dinner Friday I'm very touched by that and looking forward to it.
It puts more cement into my decision. I feel a little less like I'm floundering. My unpacking is cathartic. It's a way of ridding myself of the material things I don't need and unpacking and releasing that inner baggage that has been wearing me down. I noticed today that for the first time in over a year, I don't wake up with big bags under my eyes. It's happening slowly, but it is happening.
Still putting up pictures, trying to surround myself with my son's artwork. Somehow it makes me feel their presence here with me. I love and miss them so much. They range from work they did from grade school through college. The styles are from classical to modern. There is a Piccasso-esk ink drawing next to a classic watercolor still life . . . Interesting. Looking at my ex-stepdaughters artwork saddens me. What the hell happened there? My ex had been married very young and had a lovely daughter. During our marraige he made it very clear that she was his daughter and I was to not "parent" her at all. I thought ours was a special friendship relationship. She made a point of telling me that she didn't want to refer to me at step mom because I was more like a mom to her. She introduced me to her friends as her mother. She was 3 when I met her father, she is 35 now. I supported all her ventures, had a jewely show when she was starting her jewelry line, I hosted her wedding reception in my back yard, and we celebrated all her birthday, graduation milestones and tried to include her in all our vacations, etc. as her mom (his ex) would permit. Somewhere during the divorce I received an email from her husband telling me that the divorce was too stressful for his then pregnant wife and she is choosing to sever all contact with me. That was 2 years ago. In addition to not seeing her, I have not seen my grandchildren. To all those people and experts who think waiting until the children are grown to get divorced somehow eases the pain I would argue. The pain is widespread no mater what age the parties or duration of the marraige. 2 years ago I was a step mother, a grandmother, an aunt and a sister in law. There were over 30 people that I was connected to on a regular basis and now a lot of them are gone from my life. The ones I really care about have stayed in my life but I have had to redefine my relationship to so many people.
I received my maintenance check today. I guess that means Bob read his postcard I sent. He had the choice of sending me the total amount up front but he chose monthly payments. It's rather gratifying that he thinks of me at leaset once a month. I do love the fact that I know I won't run into him ever up here. There was always that angst back home that I'd run into either him or his big fat lady love.
So am I any closer to figuring out what and who I am? How long will I be floundering in this mess? Imagine being in the deep lake with no bottom and no land in sight. In which direction do I go?
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