Summer 2014

July, 2014
Been a long time again since last post.  Things going well.  Dating some, job going okay.  Could use some more money, but since I took early Social Security, I'm limited as to how much I can earn (bummer). 

Had someone told me it would take 5-plus years to shed my old self and start over I wouldn't have believed them.  Also at my age (65) that's a long time. Big regret not doing this divorce thing 10 years ago rather than trying to make a dead marriage work.  I would have been more marketable in the job search arena and looked a lot better back then for the dating scene.

I wonder what I would be doing now if I never met or married Bob.  What twists and turns would my life have taken?  Also, had I sucked it up and stayed with him what would my life be now? How much abuse would I take and and what kind of woman would I be, and what kind of example would I set for my sons?

Speaking of my ex, I always thought he was so tall, handsome and cool.  He posted a new picture on his Facebook page and, wow!, he's an old man now....and not at all attractive. I think if I met him now, I'd not give him a second look. In fact, what was really weird is that it took me a half second to recognize him. I haven't seen him face to face in 4 years and he's changed. It was like seeing a total stranger's picture.  A million lifetime's ago.You know when you are in a long term relationship, you can look at your partner and see that young, handsome man he once was, the years of separation changed that, all I see is an old man.

Dating.....Last year I met a guy and fell pretty hard for him. We dated for a few months then I learned he was cheating on his girlfriend with me.. It was a devastating breakup.  Caused me several months worth of depression and overeating.  That on top of the crazy cold of last winter resulted in about 10lb weight gain. Last winter we had dinner together once, but I never heard back. 2 weeks ago and he's back. I was so excited to see him. We went out and then again yesterday. I had fun, but felt absolutely nothing. The time I wasted being sad about him was all for nothing.  Note to self.....this won't happen again.  I'll go out with him as I always have a good time, but that's it. Funny, when someone breaks your heart, something in you changes. No going back.

It's summer but hardly any warm days.  In fact today I'm wearing a sweater and watching TV with a blanket wrapped around me, Don't know if I can go through another winter. We had over 70 days of below zero weather last winter. In fact not just a little below zero, more like 10 to 20 below!  I live on a beautiful beach but there are so few days I enjoy it, seriously thinking about moving, but to where?

The Dating Life

Quite a while sine I last posted. I should probably change the title to "Adventures in Loser Dating".  I'm attracted to men in their late 50's but they seem to be attracted to women in their 40's while men in their 60's-70's make me feel like I'm dating my father.  I don't look or feel 65 damn it and I won't settle. 

Started dating a lot lately. Found a few dating sites for folks over 55.  Better luck, but not by much. 2 months seems to be my relationship limit.  I either break up with them or they me after that time. I don't want a relationship just to have one, and I don't want some guy with baggage. One had his granddaughter to raise, one has early Parkinson's (sorry, if that's shallow, but I don't want to be a nurse to some guy I just met) Another has issues with his daughter and parents, and is a widow. Widowers are the worst, as you can't compete with a dead wife.  List goes on and on. One I just met seems like he has potential, but I say that every time. Might just take a break except I feel like time is running out.  I'm 65 and look and feel better than I have in years. I feel like I'm just wasting away up here.  I miss the city so much. Just can't afford it. Great friends up here, but need a bit more civilization.

As far as the divorce, I feel like my married life is a million years ago.  I guess I wanted instant change and adjustment. People said it would take time, I just didn't realize how much time. Now a dear friend is going through the same thing and as I watch her struggle with the same things I did, I see how you really can't rush through the grief and separation, just takes time. Weeks go by without my thinking about my ex. I do want to be invited to a wedding or something sometime this year where I will run into him.  Might be a fun adventure.

Well, the dark side of living up here in the middle of nowhere in the winter is shoveling snow. Winter storm coming through today and dumping 6 more inches on top of our already 10-15.  Feel like it's been snowing for years.  It has it's magical moments, though.  Full moon this past week and I could walk my dog at 11pm without a flashlight.  Moon shining on the snow created a pattern of light and shadow that was amazing.  Fantastic!

Well, my boots are sitting by the door calling my name.

Two Years

Well, my 2-year anniversary of living alone up in Wisconsin is almost here.  I originally gave myself 2 years.  So what have I learned?  First and foremost I am very capable and much more handy around the house than I thought.  Second, I truly miss the city.  I live in paradise but am strangely bored by it at times.  In the city I used to love walking my dog.  I loved late night walks and watching the people, the lighted homes and general hustle and bustle.  Out here after sunset (which is 4pm in the winter) it's too cold and too dark to walk the dog. An occasional owl interrupts the stillness, but I used to love opening the window in the summer and listen to the train, motorcycles in the distance, the sound of voices.  I love the sound of owls, woodpeckers and deer (yes, deer make noise) but all the time?  There are no street lights so it's so dark I need a lantern to light my way.  I've made some wonderful friends up here but it's 15 to 20 miles to visit them.  Stop by the bar for a cocktail after work with friends? must be careful with the long drive home. The ones who live close, seem to retire before 9pm on weekends. I've realized to survive up here I must make an effort to return to Chicago at least once a month for my sanity or sell and move out all together (which I really don't want to do)  I remember talking with several women my age who have retired up here and them telling me that they moved up here to retire but gave their husbands  one condition, that they be able to go back to the city to grocery shop once a month.  I used to think that was really silly ....now, not so.

So when will my life start to get easier?  When will decisions get simpler?  I miss having another person to bounce ideas off of. Someone with as much invested in the outcome as me.

Learned my ex has got married.  Evidently over a year ago and never bothered to tell his three grown sons about it.  I am so sorry this has hurt them, but maybe now they will realize he didn't just walk out on me, he left the family ...all of us.

But the really big question is when (it's been three years) will I finally let it rest and not mention him again.  

2 Years!

Had an epiphany the other day.  Probably obvious to all my friends, but I didn't see it.  I realized that even after 2 years of being divorced, all the crap he put me through and all the shit he spewed about me, I am still in love with that mother fucker.  Why did this happen?  I realize I've been trying so hard to get him out of my mind, I have been unable to move forward.  I can't ignore him or pretend that he never happened.  He is a part of me and my life; his DNA is my sons' DNA.  Until I acknowledge and embrace that fact, I will never be able to move on. If life is a river, I've been trying to redirect the river rather than just redirect me.

A better analogy is, back to the river theme, if life is indeed a river and I was in a boat traveling down it toward my future and suddenly Bob decided to jump off and change boats I shouldn't stop and pull over to the side, or try to go back, or fall in myself.  I should just keep on going as planned.  The only difference would be the companion.  Why should my life take a different turn just because the boat mate has left for changed?  As simple as this little thought seems, it has made a profound change on my outlook on life and my future.  I am just going to keep on going as planned.

Whether he likes it or not, he is part of my past as I am his.  I like myself now and had the past years not happened, I wouldn't be that person today.  So, I say to you, thank you for being in my life and thank you for helping me become the person I am.  Thank you for 3 incredible sons (even if you think otherwise). 

One of my New Year's resolutions was to open contact with my ex so we can at least be civil.  This revelation has helped make that a possibility.  I forgive you Bob for all shit you put me through, for the asshole you have become.  We had a good run, but it's over.  your new partner has to deal with you now and your forgetfulness, bigotry, violent outbursts.  I had you when you were nice, thoughtful and kind.  She has you now.  (What do they say about the last laugh?) 

Why do I have such a hard time making decisions?  This has been an ongoing problem for me since the big "D".  I had to switch utility companies and I absolutely froze with fear of making the wrong decision.  I feel I obviously made a lot of poor choices over the marriage thinking they were the right ones and now I feel so damn hesitant to made another one no matter how trivial.

Been corresponding thru email with a very sweet guy for about 5 months. We went out (or rather he came over to my house and did some projects). Built stuff, fixed stuff, etc.  I fell totally head over heels for him.  He's a quirky guy, a real loner, smart, funny . . .did I say loner?  He never leaves the  house!  emails me every day but never wants to come over again.  So what if he's 2 hours away.  He drives more than that to go deer hunting.  I  feel a mix of emotions with this fellow, think he's going into that ever expanding "friend" file. That's the third guy who stopped wanting to see me after I made dinner and let him spend the night.  Do the rules of dating back when we were 16 still hold? Don't sleep with them on the first or second date?  That's not good. At this age I can't really wait and extended amount of time before "testing him out". Nor do I want to.  I haven't had sex in a long time and am horny as hell, so screw all the little high school boy thinking.  At 64 I'm on a short deadline nowadays.

Valentines Day is 2 days away.  Alone again.   Maybe I'll take my vibrator out for a romantic dinner.

Finalizing my Etsy Store.  Got some new designs completed and now just need to market it and the worst thing......NAME IT!  There is that nasty "decision" word again.

Should be taking down Xmas decorations.  But feeling a little under the weather and since flu season is starting and I'm sans insurance decided to spend the day just lolling around watching tv, eating and knitting. Haven't done that in ages!   Not a bad way to spend a cold winter day.