Had an epiphany the other day.  Probably obvious to all my friends, but I didn't see it.  I realized that even after 2 years of being divorced, all the crap he put me through and all the shit he spewed about me, I am still in love with that mother fucker.  Why did this happen?  I realize I've been trying so hard to get him out of my mind, I have been unable to move forward.  I can't ignore him or pretend that he never happened.  He is a part of me and my life; his DNA is my sons' DNA.  Until I acknowledge and embrace that fact, I will never be able to move on. If life is a river, I've been trying to redirect the river rather than just redirect me.

A better analogy is, back to the river theme, if life is indeed a river and I was in a boat traveling down it toward my future and suddenly Bob decided to jump off and change boats I shouldn't stop and pull over to the side, or try to go back, or fall in myself.  I should just keep on going as planned.  The only difference would be the companion.  Why should my life take a different turn just because the boat mate has left for changed?  As simple as this little thought seems, it has made a profound change on my outlook on life and my future.  I am just going to keep on going as planned.

Whether he likes it or not, he is part of my past as I am his.  I like myself now and had the past years not happened, I wouldn't be that person today.  So, I say to you, thank you for being in my life and thank you for helping me become the person I am.  Thank you for 3 incredible sons (even if you think otherwise). 

One of my New Year's resolutions was to open contact with my ex so we can at least be civil.  This revelation has helped make that a possibility.  I forgive you Bob for all shit you put me through, for the asshole you have become.  We had a good run, but it's over.  your new partner has to deal with you now and your forgetfulness, bigotry, violent outbursts.  I had you when you were nice, thoughtful and kind.  She has you now.  (What do they say about the last laugh?)