Where the fuck does the time go? Almost a year since my last post. We just thawed out from the snow of the century in April. 24inches!!! Thankfully I was visiting friends in Chicago and missed the fun of a 2-day power outage and a 6 foot high drift in my drive that the plows couldn't get to because the road had 10 foot drifts. If I had been up here I would have been trapped and freezing all alone. ...Which brings me to the realization that I have to act. I'm looking for an apartment in Chicago and am either going to sell this lovely little dream house or put it on Air B&B, whichever comes first.

Dating life is still at a standstill. Friend at my office tried to fix me up.Guy looked normal enough but turns out he's a professional clown!  My life's a mess enough, I don't need more crazy. haha. Men ask me out a lot but I just don't have the energy any more.  Really don't feel like going through all the introductions, looking a grand kids pics, etc. Turning into a wacky old lady...👩

Really looking forward to moving, but really sad about having to quit a great job, miss my woods and beach.  If I can make a go of the Air B&B thing I'll be happy. Just can't take all the solitude any more. Plus I don't want to celebrate my 70th birthday alone, and I'm starting to feel the age thing creeping up. I lose my balance frequently, often leave a burner on or water running and forget about them, have developed Afib so have that to worry about. If anything happens I don't want to wait for the ambulance to come 15 miles out to me and then drive 15 miles to the hospital, with my kids 300 miles way.

My ex and his whore wife moved out to Colorado so I'm free to move  back. The years have made me realize just how much of an abused wife I was. Not only did he knock me around occasionally, he was mentally cruel in many ways. I'm still so angry how he's abandoned his sons, glad he's across the country. He moved to some little town in the middle of nowhere.2 friends of mine were on vacation out west, wearing a sweatshirt from here, and ran into a man who recognized the place on the shirt, they got to talking and , you guessed it, it was him! Damn tho, they didn't mention me, that would have been too fun. They have a second home out there so maybe they'll see him again.I realize I don't know that I would recognize him if I saw him again.Not that I ever will unless one of my boys gets married and invites him which looks slim in both ways.32 years erased.

Purging my closets.  Feels good. I must have hoarder tendencies, the way I hang on to stuff.

Rustoleum "Chalked" paint.  My new favorite thing.  I turned my old, garage sale table and chairs into what I think is a pretty cool little dining set.  A little bit country, a little bit Joanna Gaines.
I like the fresh look. Stuff goes on easy and then I sanded the edges to look "aged". I didn't take a "before" pic but here is the "after".

The problem is I have lots of paint left over and a lot of dark wood furniture.  My kids have assured me they don't want any of it, so I am officially entering my White Country Cottage Era.

Well it's Spring  We were teased for 4 weeks with nice Spring weather but now it's in the 30's and yes, I saw a few snowflakes yesterday.

Getting the house ready for Spring and possibly selling.  I am ready now.

This week the local hospital is having a 2 hour long seminar for women over 60 to learn exercises on bladder control.  OMG is this what my life has degenerated to?  LOL!!

Mountain Man (aka Richard R)

Four years ago I signed up for Match.com. One of the first men I met was Mountain Man. I call him that because when he first contacted me he was out west in the mountains camping and enjoying nature with his beloved dog George.  He was so different from any man I've even met. Extremely manly, rugged, but very soft and sensitive. A poet, a dreamer. Long greying hair, earring and ability to build or create anything. He totally swept me away.

We dated only a few times but I feel like I have known him forever. I fell so hard. He moved my soul. He broke it off not too long after our meeting for reasons I wish I knew. His letters to me, his phone calls to me were so filled with tenderness and love, I am still baffled by it.

No day goes by without me thinking of him, not dwelling on him, just a passing flutter in my mind, producing a smile or a tear. Occasionally he joins me in a dream. He set the bar very high.  Every man I have dated since is compared to him, and so far they all fall so short.  He's not that tall, many would not think him all that attractive. To me he's beautiful and when he looked at me I knew he could see right into me. He lives just 90 miles away, perhaps he has moved out west to live near his older son, perhaps he has remarried. I hope he's still alive and well.

I've often thought of contacting him one more time but I just couldn't stand being rejected so I will continue to dream. I contacted him once over the past 4 years to get a reference for real estate (he was never a client, but he wrote a beautiful essay about me) ...and another time to ask a question about purchasing chain saws (lol). That's all.

How can a man that I saw only a few times have so swept in and ran away with my heart? I feel the tears welling up as I write this.  Mountain Man....I love and miss you. . . . even though you have ruined any chance for me to form a serious relationship (lol)

Afterthought:  The beauty of writing things down is it has a way of putting things in the right perspective.  Upon re-reading the above post, I realized how silly it all sounds.  I don't need him. He was in my life at a time that I needed him, and now he's out and I don't.  This is one of Oprah's "Ahaa!" moments.  Time does heal wounds. Maybe not at the speed you would prefer, but it does the job eventually.

New Year...New Start

2017...Hard to believe...Where did the time go?  Two weeks into the new year and I'm still wondering what will happen. What I need to get a handle on is for me to stop wondering what will happen and finally put on my big girl pants and make something happen. 

I had a hip replacement in July and six months later it still hurt in several places. Dr. was very sweet but I think he thought some of it was in my head. I had been trying to get an appointment for several months and the anxiety and fear that something was wrong, that I would die alone overwhelmed me. After our appointment and looking at the Xray that showed a perfect hip joint, I felt the pain leave me like sand draining out of an hour glass. Tho there was still an issue he felt needed addressing, the majority of the pain has left me. I have to admit to myself that I have to be around my family and friends in a closer setting than I am up here. I also had my hours at the store reduced to 1 day a week in the winter. Don't know how I'm going to make it, but I have a direction. Start getting this place ready for showings. At the same time to really knuckle down and get some home sales under my belt.

The month following my hip replacement, my youngest son was up here to stay. Tho he was up late and slept most of the day or was at the beach or out with his girlfriend, he was here when I needed him. I slept better than I had in months knowing someone else was in the  house. In the summer when I have overnight guests, it's the same thing. I don't want a roommate, a spouse, but I do want to live where friends are closer than 20 miles and I can walk out the door and see folks, walk to the library, to the grocery, to the show. This is what I need, the city may be dirty and have it's faults, but to be held captive alone in paradise is a poor trade.

Had a few dates in the past few weeks. They are getting so boring. Same "get to know each other" conversation. Divorced men are better than widowers tho. Men who have lost their wives usually still live in the home they did when she was alive.  The dishes, the lace curtains, the doilies, etc. all part of the tomb that he lives in. Do I really want to stay over and have sex in her old bed? Think not.

So to change myself, I would also like to change the title of this blog. Rather than A Woman's Journey Through Divorce, a snappy subtitle is needed. Plus I'm not starting over at 60 any longer, I'm 68 (YIKES!!!)  Any suggestions?

Happy Holidays and a new beginning (again)

Wow! Can't believe it's been so long since I've posted.  One of my resolutions for 2017 is to try to write something (no matter how banal) at least 3 times a week.

My life has had it's ups and downs. Most having nothing to do with my divorce but just life's normal fluctuations. I do think I will probably move back to the city. I love it here in so many ways. I have great friends, a lovely little home, 2 nice jobs, and Lake Michigan out my door. In fact as I sit here even though I'm probably 300 feet from the beach, the waves are deafening. Winter is beautiful but brutal. The fact that I live 15 to 30 miles from friends has worn me down. The only thing stopping me aside from the idea of packing and moving is the fear that I will make a mistake, move back to a crowded but amazing place and be miserable and miss here. Living alone has its perks, but making all these life decisions alone isn't one of them. I miss someone having my back and me theirs.

It's Xmas day evening. I've had a lovely day, opening gifts from friends and family, giving my dog the bed Santa brought him (and the cats have quickly taken over) then dinner with friends. Now sitting watching Hallmark movies (again) with a glass of wine and a picture perfect snow outside. Am I sure I want to risk all this?

Happy Holiday to anyone reading this and a perfect 2017 to all.

Self-reliant . . . A word I can now proudly use in reference to myself.  Since living along I've become pretty handy with a chainsaw. Can shovel my 100 foot driveway, powerwash and refinish my deck, do a few minor car repairs and as of yesterday, rewire an outlet (replaced my regular switch with a dimmer switch). Small steps, but significant nonetheless.

I must admit that before I rewired the switch I put on full makeup, just in case I had to call the fire department.

Granted it would be nice to have someone else here to pat me on the back and say "well done", but that's more okay than a year ago and getting better each day.,,little by little.

Like I've said before, if I knew how long this whole recovery process would take, I would have made serious changes in my life 20 years ago.