I feel that I have taken a few (actually, a lot) of steps back in my post divorce journey.  I drove back to Chicago and spent a fun Thanksgiving Day with my boys. It was fun, but maybe it's me, but I feel a wall between us.  Oh, we laughed, cooked and had fun, but I felt a cloud of sadness in the room. Now my boys are all grown and in their 30's, but there is still a real sadness in their hearts on the lack of closeness they have with their father.  As a mother, I would cut off my right arm to change that.

Thanksgiving is only Part One in the Holiday Trifecta. Next is Christmas and then the ever hated and dreaded New Years Eve.  My Christmas choices are to drive in for Christmas Eve with my boys, drive to my family (nieces, nephews, etc) or just stay home and watch Hallmark Movies on the tube and probably become suicidal (joke)

I guess I sometimes feel like they want to be with me out of obligation.  I hope not, but have I turned into the parent that is the lonely loser that you invite to holidays out of obligation and guilt? Would they rather go on a trip or go with their girlfriends to their families but don't want to leave me alone?

Maybe it's from today's binge watching of the Hallmark Channel Christmas movies, but I am feeling very lost and lonely.  For God's sakes!! I have been divorced 6 years! Why is that asshole on my mind almost every minute lately?  How do so many of my divorced friends separate themselves from the past so easily? Do I miss the old life because it was so easy? I always knew where and with whom I would be with on any given holiday. Now it's de ja vu back to the days after my parents died and I was always wondering who would call and invite me to Christmas. I always felt like the obligation guest back then and thought those days were over.

It does feel good to write it all down and get it off my chest, but I suppose it's all part of the journey. I just hope I reach a rewarding destination before I get too old to enjoy it.  But, like I said at the start of this post, maybe it's just the season.  Soon all will be back to normal (my normal). At least it's warm here and no ice and snow to deal with.

Oh, the holidays are coming. Always a bad time. The dating sights, however, are starting to burn up with lonely souls looking to not be alone on Christmas day.

A brief note to men over 60 on dating sights: Please look at your pictures after you posted them and ask yourself "Would I go out with me?"  Really, guys......I've seen pictures of guys in all stages of dress and undress.  One guy (no lie) had on a hospital bracelet! Look around the room you're in, make sure there's a little bit of furnishing (and not a dead deer or a fish mounted on the wall or a portrait of your wedding day, for God's sake); don't put in a group picture of you and your golf buddies (especially with the ones that are better looking than you) and then not identify which one is you because I'll be disappointed when you're the short bald one in the middle and not  the good looking one on the left.  I think it's sweet you play Santa Claus for your grand kids or the local YMCA, but it really doesn't turn me on seeing you in full Santa garb. Especially when that's the only picture of you.
And lastly, when taking a selfie, hold the camera up high enough so the picture isn't a shot of looking up your nose. 

I know I'm 67 and not the hottie I once was, but please guys.. . . .

When I was a kid, we all had assigned seats at the dinner table. It was never announced or really official, but we all always sat at the same seats. Mom and dad at the ends (mom closer to the kitchen) and my sister and I on either side, but always the SAME side. When I was married we relaxed it somewhat, but usually we all sat at the same seats, and the boys would squabble if one of their brothers sat in their chair.  Funny how that works.

Same holds true, usually, in the bedroom.  I was always on the right side. During the course of my 32 year marriage we changed bedrooms often. Not sure why, but I was always rearranging things, trying to get the right setup. (Boy, that should have been a red flag, huh?)  Anyway, no matter which room we settled in, I was always on the right and he was on the left.

After our divorce, I still slept on the right side, leaving the left side of my huge king size bed empty. It felt wrong to be on the other side and it also constantly reminded me that yes, I was alone.

My awakening came from watching the movie "Somethings Got To Give"  with Jack Nicholson  and Diane Keaton. Diane is a divorced mom and in one scene  she is sleeping in the middle of her beg bed. Jack is trying to join her but she stays in the middle and explains that after she was divorced, she would feel so lonely sleeping in the bed alone with her husbands side empty. She decided to sleep in the middle, so there was no empty side and she could sleep much better after that. GREAT IDEA! We do get inspiration from strange places. It definitely works.  It reduces the "poor me, all alone in this big bed" feeling.

This week I went one better.  My new little country house has a teeny little bedroom. My king size bed almost filled it up and for the last 4 years I've been unable to make the bed nice because I couldn't walk all the way around it because it almost totally filled the room. I was complaining to a co-worker about this and she indicated that she had a double bed in her guest room that was way to small for her son and his wife and various dogs. She suggested, "lets switch beds". So this weekend she loaded up her double bed and took away my king size. Wow! I gained room on all sides, and now when I sleep in the middle, it's way comfy. Plus my ex-husbands mo-jo is gone from the room. Before the light on the side table was too far away to read so I had to start in my old spot. Now it's just perfect, and the old ghosts are gone. I have room to move around and can lay in the middle. . . .queen of my bed.  I also had the added treat of going to Target to buy new sheets. If I ever have an overnight "guest" we will just have to snuggle a little more.

One more problem solved!

First I would like to send out my love and encouragement to all you who have sent me such lovely, heartfelt emails. I appreciate it and wish you the best. Please feel free to write any time.

Seems like every time I take a few steps forward whether it be financially or romantically, I end up getting kicked and I'm back (or further back than) where I started.

Just when I feel I see a light at the end of the tunnel with finances, my car is acting up. It's a 2005 and over 150,000 miles.  Needs brakes and some assorted bearings and belts. All adding up to a huge expense.

Romantically, aauurgh! Date from Hell #1: His picture looked nice, he said he was a chef. I drove 50 miles to meet him for coffee. Walked in

Last night was the beautiful blood moon lunar eclipse. My neighbors all walked down to the beach and sat in the moonlight, drinking wine enjoying the beauty of the eclipse. I noticed all (but me) were couples. Don't get me wrong, I had a good time, but I was the only single there. When we parted ways, as they all walked home I could hear all the couples laughing, talking about the evening. My walk was in silence. These are the parts of my new life I never can get used to. No mater how much fun I have when I go out, the drive or walk home is lonely and quiet. The quiet can be deafening.  Coming home from a play or movie...no one to talk to about the evening.  Not horrible, just new (if you call 5 years new).

A friend mentioned to me that she found out a guy I met earlier in the summer was indeed single. I felt like I had practically thrown myself at him, but no response.  I did a little "cyber snooping" and discovered where he lives. Now what?  Drive by his house like I did when I was 16?  My luck if I did that he'd call the cops.  My next post might be looking for donations for bail money.  (haha)

September, 2015

My 67th birthday was a few weeks ago and my horoscope said I will find love and "financial reward" soon.  An old surfboard that I paid $20 for 10 years ago brought in a sweet $180 at a local consignment shop so I got a nice $90 for it. I hope that wasn't the "financial reward" they were talking about. So far I still haven't been able to catch a break in that category at all.

So far this year I've had huge bills for dental work; an increase in home owner insurance, real estate taxes, my 2005 Ford with 168,000 miles is in need of a lot of repairing as well as my 10 year old dog who is needing more and more vet care.

Last year I thought I could start selling real estate up here (like I did for 15 years in Illinois) but it's proved extremely difficult. This is a county with folks who not only have been here since grammar school and they all know each other or are related, but the diversity of real estate has proved trying to say the least. In past I never needed to know all the different types and sizes of wells, septic fields and perk tests. You have beachfront, water view, inland, agricultural, commercial, mobile homes, manufactured homes and boat slips to list and sell, not to mention condos and hotel condos. Who knew? 

Reason I'm mentioning this is it's been an up hill battle and I gave it a year. Well, a year is coming to an end and I must stop the financial bleeding. Real Estate licenses cost quite a bit to get and maintain ....just can't do it any more. So, what, I need to figure out do I do now? I had hoped to be able to quite my retail job but that won't be happening.  So now I guess I should call this blog "Starting Over Again and Again and, who knows, maybe even Again"

Dating has been interesting (as ever).  I met a guy thought was my perfect guy. Didn't lie about his height, pony tail (always have been a sucker for that look), an art teacher, musician, handsome, we had a great time.  He lives, however, 120 miles away, so it didn't last. Damn! He was (and is) perfect. However, I also met a very, nice man who may turn out to be something other than friend. Just have to get "Mr.Perfect" out of my mind.

Just saw "Walk in the Woods". It's a movie with Robert Redford and Nick Nolte. It's quite funny about 2 old guys in their 60's who think they can walk the 2,000 miles of the Appalachian Trail. Maybe I should attempt some great (at least to me) feat like that. I've already run marathons, raced motorcycles, been in a movie, even did some modeling; what is left? Nothing that involves heights or situations where the end result may result in death. Only places I really want to go are Norway, Sweden, or Iceland. Hmmm.....time to really take a look at things.

Really thought my life direction decisions were behind me and I was just going to sail along in a steady upward direction.  Again I ask, when is my ship and/or prince coming in? haha.

The "new me" likes to look on the bright side every time the world sends me shit. When I got divorced, the rug was pulled out from under me and my life was turned upside down. 5 years have gone by and I thought I was finally at the light at the end of the tunnel and now......whiisshh!!! there it goes again. Life is not stagnant or predictable. Just like when I was in my teens and twenty's, it's always a changing world. I really think this will have a positive effect on me....keep me young and sharp. (There has to be a bright side, right?)

I need to go check my lottery numbers now.

First I want to thank all of you who have written me emails, or commented on my posts. I'm sending you my love and encouragement in your life changing process. Please feel free to email me any time.

Dating update:  So the guy with the boat.....Where do I begin.  First, it wasn't his boat, it belongs to his friend. He also lied about his height and body type.  I don't mind a few extra pounds, but please don't advertise yourself as super fit and toned if your not. What's the point?  I'm 5'10"  and can tell if you lie about your height. Most men do lie a little about this, so I can forgive that one.  During our meeting he talked about his son a lot, turns out his son is 52.  Wait a minute....he said he was 67. Huh?  Turns out hes 72. His excuse is that women don't respond to his emails if he tells them he's over 70.  What do these guys think, that we're so dumb we can't do simple math? He also lit up a cigar in the car. Claims that they don't count and he wasn't lying when he said he didn't smoke. My sister  was visiting me at the time so I used her as an excuse to exit early.

Back to the drawing board....or in this case, the dating sights.

Dating tip.  You can't get upset with these loser dates. It's no reflection on  you. Don't take it personally. View it as a game. Win some lose some.  I to a motivational speaker once who talked about the power of "NO".  The gist is not to feel defeated by a "NO".  Every NO is one step closer to a YES.  It's all in the numbers.  After so many NO's a YES has to happen eventually, so just think you're getting closer to that YES.  I should be getting pretty close, by now. (haha)

Days are getting shorter. Where I live there are no street lights and it's pitch black at night. I'm thinking of moving. As beautiful as this area is, I don't think I can take another winter with the loneliness and darkness.  I also fear falling on the ice or some other accident with no one around. I have neighbors, but they are a way away.  My three sons are coming to visit over Labor Day. I'm so excited, but OMG 3 grown young men and me and 3 animals in my little 2 bedroom house. It will be tons of fun. As long as they don't fight. Sometimes when they're together they revert back to 12 year olds. As I've mentioned before, this place I live was originally built to be our summer house. In the woods by the lake, but I don't think I can live here full time any more. I'll need to have a heart to heart with the boys to try to figure out my plan.

More later.