Why do I have such a hard time making decisions?  This has been an ongoing problem for me since the big "D".  I had to switch utility companies and I absolutely froze with fear of making the wrong decision.  I feel I obviously made a lot of poor choices over the marriage thinking they were the right ones and now I feel so damn hesitant to made another one no matter how trivial.

Been corresponding thru email with a very sweet guy for about 5 months. We went out (or rather he came over to my house and did some projects). Built stuff, fixed stuff, etc.  I fell totally head over heels for him.  He's a quirky guy, a real loner, smart, funny . . .did I say loner?  He never leaves the  house!  emails me every day but never wants to come over again.  So what if he's 2 hours away.  He drives more than that to go deer hunting.  I  feel a mix of emotions with this fellow, think he's going into that ever expanding "friend" file. That's the third guy who stopped wanting to see me after I made dinner and let him spend the night.  Do the rules of dating back when we were 16 still hold? Don't sleep with them on the first or second date?  That's not good. At this age I can't really wait and extended amount of time before "testing him out". Nor do I want to.  I haven't had sex in a long time and am horny as hell, so screw all the little high school boy thinking.  At 64 I'm on a short deadline nowadays.

Valentines Day is 2 days away.  Alone again.   Maybe I'll take my vibrator out for a romantic dinner.

Finalizing my Etsy Store.  Got some new designs completed and now just need to market it and the worst thing......NAME IT!  There is that nasty "decision" word again.

Should be taking down Xmas decorations.  But feeling a little under the weather and since flu season is starting and I'm sans insurance decided to spend the day just lolling around watching tv, eating and knitting. Haven't done that in ages!   Not a bad way to spend a cold winter day.

So yesterday at work a really cute guy came in and  I felt a little chemistry going on there.  I looked down at his wedding ring and then up at his face and he had seen me look at his ring and he immediately put his hand in his pocket.  What do you suppose that means?   hmmmmm.   I'd never go out with a married man after what I went through, but very interesting behavior don't you think?

Today my 2013 horoscope says that I'll find a great love in the new year.  It also says to release those who are not available emotionally.  That will be easy. The losers I'm finding on line are quite easy to "release"  Prior to seeing the horoscope, my new years resolution was to do just that and start with a clean slate.  With the exception of just one who I really like though I know he and I will never be anything more than wonderful friends, I really do cherish his and my friendship (hopefully with a few benefits thrown in)

One problem with living in this lovely area populated primarily with tourists and retirees, is that the dating pool is more of a small puddle. I'm always up for a party and find it fun to drive the 4 hours to the Chicago area whenever someone has a party  invitation.

I've developed a nice group of women friends up here so that is a positive thing.  Also, another resolution is to feel more at ease going to plays, bars, restaurants, etc. alone.  Rather than miss some fun event or interesting talent, I need to feel at ease going alone.  It usually feels like everyone in a bar is looking at me when I walk in.  I know they're not but it's difficult just the same.  Maybe growing up in the 60's is part of the problem.  Back then "ladies" didn't do such a thing.  I know girls my son's ages have no problem going anywhere alone.

So a new year is around the corner, but what is in it for me?  A new job? Who wants to hire a woman in her 60's with a HS education?   NO ONE, THAT'S WHO !!!!! 

I saw my ex inlaws briefly at Christmas, I miss them so much. They were my family for 30+ years.

I spent Christmas with my kids in someone elses house.

What a loser.

Happy New Year to me. God, please don't let me get injuried or sick before I'm on Medicare or my life and all my money are totally history.

Why is it that men in their 60's aren't any different than boys in their teens.  It's high school all over again!  After months (years) of trying to regain my self importance, they can shit on you and it's back to square one in an instant.

I have been dating some.  however, right after they start to get a little close they disappear.  I met a great man who was quirky and different and sweet.  We emailed and every day I received sweet emails; he said sweet things, quoted poetry and I was hooked.  Had my guard up though after being hurt so bad.  "let your guard down and let love in" well, I did and guess what. He vanished and once again I got shit on.  Another hung up on me.  Not intentionally, he just wasn't listening to me and probably didn't even know I was talking and just hung up.  When I told him about it, no apology, just never called back.  I cancelled one date with another one because it was 2 days before Christmas and he hasn't called back either.  WTF, I'm sick of it.

I watched Sex and the City Reruns today.  The one where Carrie moves to Paris to get away from Mr.Big and start her new life. She roams the streets of the most romantic city in the world alone and sad because she didn't find what she was looking for.  That's how I feel up here.  It's glorious up here and I should be overflowing with joy, but I'm sad and miss my friends and my life.

What is it about me that as soon as a man either comes to my house or comes to my bed, vanishes the next day?

I don't want to get married again, but I do want love.  I want someone to love me; I want someone to fight for me.  I want the kind of love that is crazy, stomach fluttering, can't sleep, think of each other every minute joyous, crazy love.  Is it out there for me? 

Been a long time.  Things looking up.  Started dating some.  Let's be honest girls, men in their 60's are not the most fantastic looking.  When you've been with someone for years and have a history with them, their 20 or 30 years old inner self shines through.  Just meeting someone with no history is a harder row to hoe.  I have tried very hard to just enjoy the date, not get emotionally involved and just have, fun, have sex and say good bye.  I did however, let my guard down once and he seems to no longer want to see me.  We write back and forth a lot, but he lives 2 hours away and chooses hunting and just being on his own to being with me.  So lesson learned.  Keep that guard up. 

Lots of nice girls friendships developing up here.  Women are really wonderful friends. 

Still make it back to Chicago when I can for fun and friend renewal. 

So far, no major home repairs needed, so I'm okay financially.

 

Happy Christmas to all.  My "crush" and I put the lights on this lovely 20' tree by my front door