So yesterday at work a really cute guy came in and  I felt a little chemistry going on there.  I looked down at his wedding ring and then up at his face and he had seen me look at his ring and he immediately put his hand in his pocket.  What do you suppose that means?   hmmmmm.   I'd never go out with a married man after what I went through, but very interesting behavior don't you think?

Today my 2013 horoscope says that I'll find a great love in the new year.  It also says to release those who are not available emotionally.  That will be easy. The losers I'm finding on line are quite easy to "release"  Prior to seeing the horoscope, my new years resolution was to do just that and start with a clean slate.  With the exception of just one who I really like though I know he and I will never be anything more than wonderful friends, I really do cherish his and my friendship (hopefully with a few benefits thrown in)

One problem with living in this lovely area populated primarily with tourists and retirees, is that the dating pool is more of a small puddle. I'm always up for a party and find it fun to drive the 4 hours to the Chicago area whenever someone has a party  invitation.

I've developed a nice group of women friends up here so that is a positive thing.  Also, another resolution is to feel more at ease going to plays, bars, restaurants, etc. alone.  Rather than miss some fun event or interesting talent, I need to feel at ease going alone.  It usually feels like everyone in a bar is looking at me when I walk in.  I know they're not but it's difficult just the same.  Maybe growing up in the 60's is part of the problem.  Back then "ladies" didn't do such a thing.  I know girls my son's ages have no problem going anywhere alone.

So a new year is around the corner, but what is in it for me?  A new job? Who wants to hire a woman in her 60's with a HS education?   NO ONE, THAT'S WHO !!!!! 

I saw my ex inlaws briefly at Christmas, I miss them so much. They were my family for 30+ years.

I spent Christmas with my kids in someone elses house.

What a loser.

Happy New Year to me. God, please don't let me get injuried or sick before I'm on Medicare or my life and all my money are totally history.

Why is it that men in their 60's aren't any different than boys in their teens.  It's high school all over again!  After months (years) of trying to regain my self importance, they can shit on you and it's back to square one in an instant.

I have been dating some.  however, right after they start to get a little close they disappear.  I met a great man who was quirky and different and sweet.  We emailed and every day I received sweet emails; he said sweet things, quoted poetry and I was hooked.  Had my guard up though after being hurt so bad.  "let your guard down and let love in" well, I did and guess what. He vanished and once again I got shit on.  Another hung up on me.  Not intentionally, he just wasn't listening to me and probably didn't even know I was talking and just hung up.  When I told him about it, no apology, just never called back.  I cancelled one date with another one because it was 2 days before Christmas and he hasn't called back either.  WTF, I'm sick of it.

I watched Sex and the City Reruns today.  The one where Carrie moves to Paris to get away from Mr.Big and start her new life. She roams the streets of the most romantic city in the world alone and sad because she didn't find what she was looking for.  That's how I feel up here.  It's glorious up here and I should be overflowing with joy, but I'm sad and miss my friends and my life.

What is it about me that as soon as a man either comes to my house or comes to my bed, vanishes the next day?

I don't want to get married again, but I do want love.  I want someone to love me; I want someone to fight for me.  I want the kind of love that is crazy, stomach fluttering, can't sleep, think of each other every minute joyous, crazy love.  Is it out there for me? 

Been a long time.  Things looking up.  Started dating some.  Let's be honest girls, men in their 60's are not the most fantastic looking.  When you've been with someone for years and have a history with them, their 20 or 30 years old inner self shines through.  Just meeting someone with no history is a harder row to hoe.  I have tried very hard to just enjoy the date, not get emotionally involved and just have, fun, have sex and say good bye.  I did however, let my guard down once and he seems to no longer want to see me.  We write back and forth a lot, but he lives 2 hours away and chooses hunting and just being on his own to being with me.  So lesson learned.  Keep that guard up. 

Lots of nice girls friendships developing up here.  Women are really wonderful friends. 

Still make it back to Chicago when I can for fun and friend renewal. 

So far, no major home repairs needed, so I'm okay financially.

 

Happy Christmas to all.  My "crush" and I put the lights on this lovely 20' tree by my front door

First Year

One year in my "new normal".  Job is doing well, have made friends.  Not the kind of friends who I can call and drop by for a glass of wine unannounced, but nice.  Not like my "homies" but nice.  There is an unusual amount of seniors up here. I find when I go back to Chicago I love to visit my sons in the city and just sit and enjoy all the hustle and bustle and young people moving around.  In a vacation community there are young people but they're with their families and it's different.

I find I tend to lay rather low in the high tourist times.  It's depressing to see all the families on vacation.  my heart still breaks thinking of past times up here with the family when it was whole.
I have wonderful old friends from home who come see me, and my sons come up when they can. 

Dating.  Ha!  Have been on Match.com, and others.  There's a reason why men in their 60's are single.  I know, everyone has a friend who met someone nice on line. (thanks, makes me feel even more like a loser).  Note to self: "never say that to someone, or tell them that your friend met someone on line and are getting married next week"  I've met a lot on line, but no one who I want to go out with another time. I don't want to get married again, but would like to go to dinner, movies, plays, etc. with someone.  Never has gotten into doing that stuff alone.  Am reading a book, Labor Day, by Joyce Maynard.  There's a paragraph in there that really hit home for me and is exactly what I'm feeling.
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The young boy is describing his divorced mother: "What I decided was, it hadn't been losing my father that broke my mother's heart, if that was what had taken place as it appeared, It was losing love itself--the dream of making your way across America on popcorn and hot dogss, dancing our way across America in a sparkly dress with red underpants.  Having someone think you were were beautiful, which, she had told me, my father used to tell her she was, every day.

Then there's nobody saying that anymore and you are like one of  those ceramic hedgehogs with the plants growing on it that the person who bought it forot to keep watered.  You are like a hamster nobody remembered to feed."

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Perfectly put!! 

Catching Up

Well, my life has been besot with problems galore.  Since my last post so much excitement and drama. Unfortunately my computer crashed and has been out of commission and I didn't even think to go to the library to use theirs until the other day.  Another indignity of old age. 

Starting in September, my job at the boutique is going well.  I love the ladies there and the customers and am able to put my things on sale and some are actually selling.  I knit hats, shrugs, cowls, scarves, etc. and they all look great sitting in the store.  They look even better wrapped in a bag walking out the door!

In October we had a terrible wind storm up here.  60mph winds!  To set the timeline, winds started about 8pm Thursday night.  About 10pm electricity went out.  City girl that I am didn't realize that when the electricity goes out so does the heats and water.  Winds crashed around me in the dead of night.  I didn't have anything prepared except candles.  I live in the woods and spent a night in total darkness listening to giant trees (some 100 feet tall) falling down around me.  It was the most terrifying night of my life. 

Morning came and my property looked like a war zone.  Huge uprooted trees all around.  Those big ugly root balls staring me in the face.  Thankfully, non hit the house.  The power outage was through the entire county, It was not until Sunday that electricity was restored.  That meant going to the lake to fill water jugs to flush the toilet.  Heating water on the charcoal grill to wash my hair. Since then I have purchased a portable generator so I can plug in my computer and lamps. (It even fills my tires and jumps my car engine) I keep jugs of water handy by the door for toilet flushing. Lots of canned goods and of course a well stocked wine rack.

Columbus Day Weekend is a huge tourist weekend up here.  People drive up from Illinois to look at the trees and vacation one last time before winter.  Stores and restaurants do terrific business.  All that ground to a halt..  Crews were working overtime to get the county and state parks back up and running
so my little part of paradise was at the bottom of the list.

From this experience I realized how lucky I am.  I have a home and family and friends and definitely  a Guardian Angel because  thankfully, someone was  looking out for me that night.